What I am trying to say about success is that you invent something like the nuclear atom bomb - you hold that knowledge that you discovered and you are responsible for it. So sometimes if you lose sight in your discoveries- to what end- and simply lose yourselves in the throes of your exploration you may end up finding out something you wish you never knew and forever condemn yourself to that burden. Like the question 'Did the man who invented atomic bombs commit suicide?'

http://www.pandab.org/who-invented-the-atomic-bomb.html

Having given birth to the monster of the atomic bomb Szilard felt a responsibility to prevent its being used. Towards the end of the war, he organized his fellow scientists and made several attempts to get to Roosevelt and then Truman to prevent the Atomic bomb being dropped on Japan. Later the army wanted to put all atomic research under its control. Again, Szilard fought the establishment and organized scientists to lobby Congress to prevent that from happening. The result was the founding of the Atomic Energy Commission which put most of the control of nuclear power in civilian hands. Szilard’s biographer told me that “If Szilard had failed to get the A-bomb under civilian control, it is likely we would have used it against Russia before 1950.

At the moment Milton Freidman's economic theories advocating a laissez-faire free market , promoting government deregulation and privatization is being tested and we have long seen the suffering that has come at the hands of this form of economic policy first adopted by neo-liberal conservatives such as Thatcher and Reagan. Now this idea is not only being undermined by government bail out interventions as it has been many times before by those governments who claim to support it but we are seeing its ruin felt by those who've so far benefited most from the capitalist system. What they fail to understand is that the golden rule of the free market that levels out competition, cuts down those at the top as well as those at the bottom...

Men who like coffee

Joe who owned the small coffee shop on Lavender Row in East Village was spending more time there than necessary, despite the fact he'd recently made huge efforts to have most of the shifts covered so he could enjoy some time off lately. Now, as life would have it, he was spending all that free time at the coffee shop. The employers, a little confused, were doing there best to do the best they could at their job, assuming this was a transitional trust phase Joe was going through, since he used to run the whole place on his own. Joe on the other hand was playing up to this presumed rationale for his constant presence through out the day, although he couldn't care two capuccino's and a latte for wiling away his hours checking up on everything. In fact he hated the fact he was there everyday, it was getting slightly awkward. Although there was one excuse. He had to come in at least once to make his usual and to make the usuals for the regulars just as they always liked it in the morning.
There was old man Yachin who had to have the grains ground in front of him to a specific size, he once disgruntled and unshaven exclaimed to Ellie, who covered the morning shifts.
" You don't do it like that you have to hold the grinder at a certain angle and for 12 seconds. Where's Joe? Joe knows."
Ellie exasperated from failed attempts to get it right on his first morning shift ended up having to call Joe in to work, to help with all these personalized particularities and peculiarities people where demanding. He had no idea people could be so pedantic about their coffee. Then there were the 10 or so contract laborers who all wanted double espresso shots on the dot of 8 when they came in to work on the hospital under reconstruction across the road. Commuters by the dozen filed in and out in an orderly fashion always on schedule to catch a bus, tube or train and so expected their order to be executed in the same exact manner that they walked in and made it. Ellie was alarmed at the pace of things in this tiny inconspicuous coffee shop, and had a hard time from customers who didn't like any threat to their routine, as if how their coffee was made was the last grip on control they had in their day. Especially since the rumours of recession actually made newspaper headlines, there were no allowances for coffee not up to the usual standards. So Joe's habit of turning up everyday was a huge relief to Ellie.
Joe wished the opposite, he was sick of the place since it seemed like he had spent most of his waking hours there since he bought the shop off an old retiring italian couple 4 years ago, but he couldn't help himself. He was falling in love. He sat on his laptop at his favorite table all day, looking as if he was seeing to very important admin, just to be near the person he was bursting to shower with affection. Today tensions where even more strained because of the tiny incident last night which on waking suddenly seemed mammoth, dramatized by the memory in daylight hours rather than the sweeping happy experience it was last night.

Market day

Saturday Farmers Market...

Those little kids who just stare at you with an abandoned fearless look are going to do one of two things next, smile or cry. I wish I could remember how we reasoned whether that person was going to make us start bawling or burst into smiles.  I feel like they are far more intelligent than any grown being in judging someone's true intention. They can see right in to the heart of people. They don't buy it when people are pretending to have fun.

One cocky little kid today who acted a lot bigger than her size, persistently taunted my co-worker Colin with - 

"What you doing? What you doing? What you Doing? What you doing?" With no room for an answer. I start laughing until the mum buts in and tells her to stop it..

"But Mum I want to know what he's doing?"....And then again "What you doing? What you doing? What you doing?"

"I'm selling vegetables" Colin attempts to be heard, but she doesn't stop to register and goes on..I expect the next question would have been "Why? Why? Why?..

Children can intimidate even the hardest man into giving in I swear.

just because

Today I saw a world with no horizon as the ocean was a calm reflection of the pearly haze that seemed to sink right into the water without touching it...
Aside from that I am realizing with everything in life there is a catch...
Not just in the day to day dilemma's and decisions to do one thing and miss out on another - battle of the mind etc.
But in particular the big theorists whose ideas really matter and are even pursued worldwide eventually get a kick in the face at some point, when the groundbreaking discovery soon gets crumpled under times talons. It either becomes redundant which is the best you can hope for or the delusion in its ideology gradually reveals itself and it fails at our suffering expense.
So don't be too clever... unless you are strong enough not to argue when you fall.
Honourable success is the awareness that what you achieve, as much you will lose.
You know the time to let go of what you once believed in, with the dignity of someone responsible for the idea coming into existence and hence its passing out of existence. I guess you could hope to die before that happens...
As Donald Rumsfeld said about Milton Friedman.
“Milton is the embodiment of the truth that ideas have consequences.”
And many unforeseen at that. Lets hope pride on the part of the believer and habit on the part of the follower doesnt get in the way of accepting that some ways belong to one day and not another, moving on...

This is it...

Its taken a while to go world wide writing web shmeg but it had to be done sooner or later, like facebook you eventually cave in despite all noble intentions held previously and often still claimed to be held. The I DON'T and WILL NEVER buy into all this reproduced mass flood of shit talk - like a persons emotional garbage dispenser available for viewing by the whole world...who thought anyone would want to do that. It feels similar to the whole world being able to peer into your trash and see what you devoured in just one week - or the amount that was left to go to waste - thats always bound to cause a stir, a shaking of the head and a sigh at all the excess of a privileged life. Well at least I recycle and efficiently dispose of my mental clogging, let lose into the infinite we-space to join the other freakish statements that hope one day to herald a new beginning, an epiphany of understanding for someone. Who knows the cause for this desire to be read but we all want to be understood or understood to defy understanding - one way or another - no one cares except the I in we.

Do I sound nihilistic?..It's not intentional, I am a wonderful person really and love to be told that - feel free at anytime.